Haven't posted in this blog in a while. Haven't really felt all that alive either. I hate the suburbs... actually, that's not true. There are parts of the 'burbs I like. The hot soccer MILFs for one. Free parking for another. But there's something out here that just sort of makes everyone feel... how shall I say this? Apathetic? It's as if people get caught in these
dead ends and just kind of piss their lives away. And I feel the same thing happening to me. I have to get out of here and get on with my life.
At this point in my life, I'm far from where I want to be. And, quite frankly, I don't see it getting any better any time soon. I've been pushed into a career that isn't what I wanted, and I'm tied down by far too much. Money is nice, but I can feel my identity slipping away. It's not that I'm a different person than I was, say five or ten years ago. It's that my entire IDENTITY has had to be negotiated. That's not fun... it just kind of leaves you feeling
numb in fact. Oh sure, I can change my appearance and personality at the drop of a hat, shifting through
personas like some other people might change clothing. But deep down inside, I think I forget who I really am. If I really am, in fact. Without having some sort of interests, hobbies, something, I think I start to loose track of myself.
And that's just it. It's not that I can't dress the way I want to; outward appearance is nothing more than a social statement. It's that everything, down to my very beliefs, has been decided for me, and society only serves to enforce these unspeaken codes. Am I exaggerating? Probably, I have a dramatic flair for hyperbole. But think of it? How often have you held back your own personal opinions because of your parents, bosses, co-workers, spouses or, worse still, people you don't even know? How often have you chosen to dress in a specific way because you were told to? To eat foods you don't like, or go to events you could care less about?
The fact is that from a very early age, we are taught to subsume our own precious individuality and 'go with the flow.' It is this same sort of ignorant mentality which lead so many Germans to cooperate with the Nazis during World War II, because they simply accepted the attrocities of their government. They were 'just following orders'... We have seen this time after time, from Rwanda to Bhopal to 9-11. The Æons keep mankind shackled and ignorant, but it is as much our fault, for we have sacrificed that most human of all traits - Free Will!
VIII. of Wands, Reversed
Halloween sucked this year. I mean truly and honestly sucked. I'll spare you the details, both because I don't care and because it isn't important. What I realized is that other people, many of them younger (and happier) than myself, have not given up their identities. Part of it is the difference between people in the city, and people in the suburbs. People in the city have more freedom to express themselves and retain their ideals; here, people stagnate and become... content to waste their potential for greatness. The other part? Social life. Over the last couple of years, I've been a bad friend. I've neglected many... most of my friends. The fact is, I don't go out with them, I don't visit or hang out, I don't even call them. Even people I used to see every day of my life. And I'm sorry for that.
The fact is, I need to get out of the house more often, even if that leaves me with no sleep once in a while. Or no money for that matter. The fact is, there are people in this world who still, once in a while, manage to drag themselves out of bed and go out and do stuff with their lives... take classes, learn a new language, dancing, sky diving, trying new foods, reading books, going on vacations, seeing plays or movies, and I don't mean the latest Tom Cruise blockbuster. I mean those short run movies that play for a week or two, then you have to hope they show up later on DVD if you missed them. I have not been going to concerts, night clubs, bars, cultural festivals, BBQs, museums, art galleries, lectures or political rallies. And the world is a sadder place for it all.
To be honest, there are only really two paths I could go down. I could be petty and jealous, complaining about people who chose to be more... well interesting than I am. Or, I could join them. I'm done supressing my own beliefs and identity simply to appease some long dead old coot, and I hope you will join me.
Which would you rather be? One of those boring old people who sit at home all day, staring at the wall and wondering where your depth perception went, or a person who actually gets out there and does... SOMETHING! Take some classes, learn an art, develop some new skills, make friends. Just get off your bloody arse once in a while!
Ahhh... money. There's the rub. I wasted a good portion of yesterday resolving some... descrepencies on my bank statement. I'm getting my money back for the disputed charges, Praise Be to God, but it's still rather annoying. A cabal of thieves had gotten my credit card number, illegally, and were charging me. The clue? They started by charging small amounts, then went on to charge bigger amounts only minutes later. Although no much, $30-50 USD, it still adds up over time. I ultimately had to close my checking account and open a new one, which means everything is stalled. I have to get a new debit card... and the worst part? These charges all came from various aliases going back to a place called CCBill... It's a scam folks.
Now, I have no problem acknowledging I look at porn now and then. That's what the internet was made for, in fact, at least according to my latest conspiracy theory. But I sure as hell am not going to pay for charges that I never made, let alone two or three in a day. The way it works is that this site gets your card number, either you sign up for a site or through other means (including Amazon, by some accounts), and then they sign you up for a 'free trial,' after which they go on to rip you off. What they don't tell you is that they also will sign you up for OTHER sites, which then charge you after X number of days. To top it all of, they do not neccessarily send you an e-mail, nor do you have a password for these sites (which means you cannot easily cancel). And, if you try to cancel, they won't neccessarily take you off. And if they don't send you an e-mail confirming this, they will say that they cannot prove it (not true, by the way, since any e-mail leaves a record) and thus are not legally obliged to cancel.
In the end, you wind up paying money. YOUR money. And lots of it!
You can read all about it at ripoffreport.com. Needless to say, it's a multi-million dollar business, all leading back to the slimy fingers of one Mr. Ron Cadwell of Tempe, AZ. He's a former chiropractor (another scam, by the way) and self-proclaimed 'porno king' of the internet. And where are the Feds on this S.O.B.? They won't touch his fat ass with a ten foot pole, not that I can blame them. He's probably bought them off. This is another example of American criminals victimizing other Americans, and the .gov choosing to 'look the other way.' Damn well makes me want to get all Jihad on his fat ass... speaking of which, I have his name, phone number, address and personal information. Managed to track that down, but I'm not sure what prank would be funniest. Suggestions welcome.
I've decided to dip into my travel funds a bit. Originally, I had hoped to go overseas sometime soon, but various things have made that a virtual impossibility for the time being. Since the future is not yet born, who cares? I've got money, so I may as well waste it on things that I like. There are alot of straight-to-DVD bad horror movies, the rest of the
8 Films to Die For from last year, more Deathnote stuff, and of course Doctor Who. Not to mention games, whether electronic or table top. And even a few odd toys here and there to keep my attention for some time. Maybe even get a new scorpion, or some sort of poisonous sea creature... I think I have space in my room for an aquarium. And if not, then I suppose I shall have to make space for it.
What about concerts? To be honest, I'm not sure at the moment. I said before I want to get out and, well do stuff. Southeast Asia Night was great. A sort of ironic turn of events, actually. I had hoped to go up to Toronto for the Emilie Autumn concert, but I never got my tickets. I'm still out money on that, by the way, and I'm not sure whether the guy who sold them never sent them or the .gov simply chose to confiscate my mail (yet again). I still have a number of parcels which have yet to reach me, including some from points of origin now designated as the 'Axis of Evil' by our (former) President. In fact, I haven't heard from my contact in the West Bank for many moons.
I have a new winter coat, and look forward to the first snows. I also DID get my Sonic Screwdriver. Hooray for British Doctor Who toys! I suppose that means I can at least count on packages from the U.K., thank God, since a significant portion of my mail comes from there.