If I Were Musharraf...

So, woke up this morning to the loving caress of a swarm of ants. Did I say 'loving caress'? I actually meant horrific venomous bites of a swarm of angry ants. I always get those two things confused. So, after the initial phase in which I wondered whether or not I had inexplicably stepped onto the set of 'The Hive,' which contrary to it's name involved killer ants not bees, I realized that they were coming into my room via the open window over my bed. Such are the dangers of living in a Third World country I suppose, so c'est la vive.

Speaking of which, Pervez Musharraf has stepped down as the President of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. And from Lahore to Quetta, there was much rejoicing. As usual, the Beeb has a whole thing covering it. To say that Musharraf was... IS unpopular throughout Pakistan, if not all of South Asia, would be an understatement to say the least. Indeed, one suspects that the entirety of the sales of his memoirs, In the Line of Fire, owe more to threats of 'buy it or get shot' than anything else. But in all seriousness, Musharraf stepping down was mostly a way for him to avoid pending impeachment charges more than anything else.

In fact, Musharraf is so unpopular at the moment that there were suggestions he was going to leave the country, perhaps for the Gulf or Europe. My first thought was he might settle down in Chicago, seeing as how his brother is a heart surgeon out here or something like that. At the very least, he'd be a very colorful resident for our city. I mean, it's not every day you have a successful military dictator living next door to you. But alas, such is not to be, as Condaleeza Rice has announced that under no conditions would he be allowed refuge in the U.S. The last I heard, he was apparently retiring to a golf course adjacent townhouse somewhere outside of Islamabad.

If I were Musharraf, I'd consider retiring to a life of pleasure in Lahore, what with my being partial to the all things Punjabi. Then again, considering the whole disasterous Kargil affair, Musharraf isn't exactly welcome in neighboring India (which is just across the border incidentally; a border which rather unfortunately splits the Punjab in two). Which brings me to the question of what part of the Desi world HASN'T Musharraf ticked off? No doubt he'll manage to get Sri Lanka or Bhutan mad at him before he dies!

Of course, if I WERE Musharraf, I wouldn't be retiring in the first place! Oh no, like any good dictator worth my salt, I'd be coming up with half-baked evil war machines that are far more elaborate and costly than they are practical. No, I'm not talking about nukes here. Pakistan already has them anyway. No... I'm talking about stuff like cybernetic shark monsters, tanks that can drill through the earth so I can conquer enemy capitals from underground, and hidden Tesla death-rays in my radio towers. Stuff worthy of Gaddafi!

*sigh*

A man can dream, after all...