Well, bigger feet at any rate. No doubt those of you who know me by now were wondering why I hadn't posted about the newest bigfoot hoax making its way through our modern world's mass media machine. Well, now I am, so stop complaining.
Like so much Forteana in this Goblin Universe of ours, the story of a 'bigfoot corpse in a freezer' first came to my attention late one night while I was passing the idle hours listening to George Noorey on Coast to Coast AM. Good times those. My immediate first thought was that they were talking about the Minnesota Iceman, one of the legendary, holy grails of Cryptozoology. For those not in the know, the story has some striking similarities with this case. It began in 1968 in Minnesota, when one Frank Hansen displayed what looked for all intents and purposes to be an apeman frozen in a block of ice. Unfortunately, his contradictory claims about whether or not he owned it, that he had both a real one and a replica, and regarding its origin (either it was shot by hunters in the Midwest, smuggled out of Vietnam in a bodybag, or found by sailors in Siberia) did little for his credibility. But two legends of Cryptozoology, Ivan T. Sanderson and Bernard Heuvelmans, bothed examined it and believed it to be an authentic latter-day Neanderthal from Asia.
How sad, then, that this new apeman has none of the panache of his infamous predecessor. Perhaps to make up for this, though, his current proprietors have certainly provided just as many contradictory stories as Hansen did before them. Through friends in the media, I've been able to hear the 'press conference' that these two yahoos chose to give about bigfoot. Of course, they didn't actually show us anything, nor have they allowed any actual scientists to see him, so it was more like a group of people standing around talking about something which may or may not have ever happened. In fact, thats exactly what it was. The fact that the DNA tests came back human, human and POSSUM(!) does little to bolster their case.
Of course, their photos of the alleged sasquatch (or 'wood ape') make it look more like a surprise grab bag of old Halloween costumes mixed with assorted bits of road kill, so I suppose my expectations shouldn't have been too high in the first place. Let me just say, their press conference managed to take it to a whole new level of surreal, almost from the moment that the president of the PR firm introduced them using terms like 'youz guys.' One assumes he must have been a 'businessman' *wink wink* who would break your legs (or perhaps feet in this case) in his previous line of work, if you get my drift. Sometime between that and announcing all of the .coms involved in this, the vast majority of the press (save perhaps the good folks at The Onion) got up and left. They didn't miss much, beyond the two of them talking about going out to the 'backwoods,' nudge nudge, and being surrounded by a group of bigfoots. Or something to that effect.
At this point, a lesser man would make some sort of joke about what they were doing in the backwoods, but thats beneath me.
Loren Coleman was a guest on Coast to Coast that night, but even he couldn't really add much to this. Thats why I propose that the entire thing - the story, the fake body, the press conference, all of it - is part of an elaborate conspiracy to cover up the truth, no doubt instigated by the Illuminati, the One World government, the military-industrial complex and a cabal of international bankers. The entire story is otherwise too ludicrous and surreal to be anything else. No doubt they want to make us internet bloggers look like conspiratorial lunatics rambling on about pseudo-scientific nonsense in order to discredit us.
Perhaps as part of the conspiracy, or perhaps to cash in on the current news, History Channel repeated the newest bigfoot episode of MonsterQuest, focusing in on Native American bigfoot stories. Specifically the Nations around California and the Pacific Northwest, such as the Miwok. I found it to be a very interesting episode, in no small part because so few cryptozoology shows have focused on the oral histories of indigenous peoples.
As you might have guessed, I naturally gravitated to the UFO Symposium 3 put on by the Illinois MUFON, or Mutual UFO Network, in Tinley Park this weekend. Stanton Friedman, who has been a guest on Coast to Coast AM and the Roe Conn Show this past week, was a guest lecturer, along with Donald Schmitt, Ted Phillips and Sam Maranto. Very informative.
I've also been watching the American premiere of Primeval on the Beeb. I'd heard of the show from my friends, who had seen the first two seasons already (bloody Brits). Brilliant! Thats all I can say. The newest episode, Stateside at any rate, featured Arthropleura, which was re-imagined as a sort of gigantic centipede. And an angry giant centipede at that. Almost makes me want to tear down the walls of time and space, so that I could get some sort of gigantic prehistoric horrors to step into the modern era. Just to keep them as pets, you know? Who wouldn't want a Spinosaurus, Zeuglodon, Deinonychus, Andrewsarchus, Dimetrodon or Eurypterid? Better still, I could ride a freakin' Arsionotherium to work! Now THAT would be a fitting image for your God-King, no? Even Alexander didn't do that, though one could argue his beloved mount Bucephalus was a monster in his own right (if the legends of anthrophagus horses are to be believed).
That should be enough to keep you lot entertained until next week, when I give some insight into the latest round of Russian aggression in the Caucasus. Just remember not to tick off any hairy ape men (or women, if you believe the stories about Zhanna) and you should be fine until then.
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