Pleased to Meet You, I'm a Goonch

Came across a report from The Sun about giant mutant fish terrorizing Nepal.



Turns out this gigantic aquatic monster is, in fact, no 'mutant' but rather a little known fish known as the 'giant goonch'. Tipping the scales at 200 lbs or so, the goonch is a catfish, probably one of the largest catfish in South Asia. They can be found in the Himalayan waters around India, Nepal and the like.

Appearantly, and bearing in mind that this is colored as much by rumor and folklore (rural legends if you will) as actual 'science,' the story goes that goonch got a taste for human flesh by munching on charred corpses floating downstream. This part of the story requires a bit of clarification, but suffice to say that as in many Hindu countries, cremation is the preferred funerary practice. Unfortunately, not everyone can afford a real cremation, so especially in the poorest of rural villages, you get alot of partially cremated bodies sent down the Ganges, Indus and Brahmaputra.

For fish, this is a free meal. The Ganges river shark (Glyphis gangeticus) and bull shark (Carcharhinus leucas) are both known to take advantage of this, and it is also rumored crocodilians and tigers will if they opportunity presents itself. The goonch seems to be acquiring a taste for human flesh in this manner and, if the rumors are to be believed, move on to trying a live human. Then again, it could be alot of things. The subcontinent has no shortage of man-eaters... at least a dozen species have allegedly attacked humans (tigers, crocodilians, bull sharks, wolves, dholes, Burmese pythons, Asiatic lions, sloth bears, etc). Some of those cliams are more dubious than others, for what it's worth.

Incidentally, this is not the first time that sloppy funerary rites have caused problems. The most infamous being the man-eaters of Tsavo in the early 20th century. About 135 or so Indian laborers brought over by the British to work the railroads (and local Africans) were killed by the two lions, whom it is believed acquired the taste for human flesh after scavenging from the Indian laborers' make-shift cremation grounds. An interesting Chicago connection there, the two lions wound up at the Field Museum after being sold there by John Henry Patterson himself. I should know; I've seen them quite often! Aside from the man-eaters of Tsavo, Patterson was also head game warden in British East Africa, fought in the Boer War and a champion of early Jewish settlement in Palestine (even joining the Jewish Legion of the British Army, which would later become the IDF).

I've been meaning to read his other books for a while now, but never got around to it. Maybe I'll rummage through the library tomorrow and see what I can dig up.

But... while on the subject of giant Asian fish, I'm also reminded of the giant Mekong Delta catfish (Pangasianodon gigas). It is the world's largest fresh-water fish. Dekila Chungyalpa of the World Wild Fund for Nature reported a 9 foot, 646 pound specimen in her study of sustainable development in the region. No doubt those of you who watch Monsterquest regularly will remember that (she was one of the people interviewed on the 'giant fish' episode).

Ah, but alas, we have no such creatures nature to these climes, unfortunately. Nonetheless, we are fortunate enough to have some DAMNED big fish all the same. Say hello to the alligator gar, or as he is more formally known, Atractosteus spatula. Found throughout the Southeastern U.S., the alligator gar ranges from ten to twelve feet, and usually weighs a couple hundred pounds. In a rather Jonah-esque twist, the Cherokee (who know the fish by the name dakwa) have a myth of a brave in the Tennessee valley who was swallowed alive by one only to have cut himself out of it's belly.



I SOOO want to set up an aquarium and get some cool fish or marine animals... actually, screw that. I want to get an indoor pool, suitably modified for larger sea creatures. Now THAT would be cool! Sharks, octopi, giant squid, sting rays, crocodiles, eels... you name it.

I Need to Sleep

What a crazy week this has been. Between school and... well, more school, I've been running all over the place. Luckily, I managed to finish all of my papers, get to my debate and to make it to the Burma Studies Conference this weekend. Unfortunately, my sleep cycle is now shot to hell. I've been sleeping erratically all week. That's erratically, not erotically... completely different context there.

With any luck, I won't have to talk about lateral abductor mechanisms in A. afarensis again for quite a while.

So after my test on Monday, I will be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my week. At least until it gets to the point where five hundred or so things all pile up at once again, as things are sure to do just because the Gods enjoy tormenting us lowly mortals. Oh come on... Didn't anyone out there ever read Homer's Ὀδύσσεια? One of my favorite books growing up... I always thought Odysseus was one of the coolest heroes.

Incidentally, for those of you already familiar with Greek and Roman culture, you probably won't be surprised to know that Odysseus was known to the ancient Etruscan civilization of Italy as well (as Uthuze). Just thought I'd throw that out there, cause the Etruscans don't get alot of love over here.

I've gotta thank Michelle for bringing over the Office and the last few episodes of Chuck so that I'm now all caught up with that. Now I've just gotta catch up on Heroes and I'll be good.

Also, Noureen deWulf made a cameo as a spy/pita delivery girl, which was awesome, since I don't think I've seen her in anything since 'American Dreamz' (which, admittedly, was a pretty cheesy movie).



A google search turned up images of her and Kim Kardashian (who appearantly got voted off 'Dancing with the Stars' this season before I could see it; what a pity) at the Maxim Awards.



Personally, I find Maxim and those sort of magazines to be a little trashy, though. Me, I'd much rather be reading trashy pulp novels with burly, square chinned, bare fisted adventurer-scientists who pounce off to darkest Africa or exotic India, find lost civilizations and relics, make love to beautiful women and fight against the Nazis (or Commies, or whoever the generic villian of the week is these days). Does anyone else remember that genere? I've got a whole book full of the covers of those, and let me just say, wow!



WEASELS RIPPED MY FLESH! Actually... I think the thing on his shoulder is maybe a muskrat or something, but I rest my case. Those pulp adventure stories were really something else... animal attacks, head hunters, 1950's super-science, lost civilizations, sultry naked women.

Well, that or trashy books about bigfoot, UFOs and global conspiracies. Either is good by me.

But, back onto the subject of hot Asian chicks, Navi Rawat is appearantly reprising her role as 'the Heroine' in the straight to DVD sequel to 'Feast', appropriately enough called 'Feast II: Sloppy Seconds.' Comes out this Tuesday, and I'm quite excited about that. I'm also baffled, since her character (and, actually, several of the others) all got eaten in the first movie, but whatever. Knowing almost nothing about it beyond the fact that it features the monsters attacking a small town in the middle of nowhere, I fully plan on buying it. The first movie freakin' blew me away, so I expect great things from the sequel. This means movie night, folks.



And, on that same subject, I'm also looking forward to the (eventual) release of Cryptid, which may or may not be released under a different name. I've found very little about this movie, beyond that it stars Lori Petty, Sandra Teles and Petey Pablo, and is about 'bigfoot in South Africa.' Presumably it was inspired by both Zulu stories about the Tokoloshe and archaeological evidence about Australopithecines, which ironically brings us full circle.

Between 'Feast II,' 'Vipers' (the newest movie in the Maneaters series) and Dario Argento's 'La Terza Madre,' I'm going to have quite a few good horror flicks for this Halloween. Go me!

He Seyz Itz a Bigfoot Youz Guyz

I must apologize to my loyal fans minions for not posting in my blog lately, but current events have unfortunately seen to it that my attentions are focused elsewhere at the moment. Not the least of these being Russia's bellicose neo-imperial ambitions at expansion into the Caucasus region, perhaps intent on reviving the Soviet Union at the expense of Georgia. Then again, the Russians have never gotten along well with their Caucasian neighbors in the south (witness Chechnya and Dagestan). But I shall speak more on that later. Right now, I feel like blogging about bigger things.

Well, bigger feet at any rate. No doubt those of you who know me by now were wondering why I hadn't posted about the newest bigfoot hoax making its way through our modern world's mass media machine. Well, now I am, so stop complaining.

Like so much Forteana in this Goblin Universe of ours, the story of a 'bigfoot corpse in a freezer' first came to my attention late one night while I was passing the idle hours listening to George Noorey on Coast to Coast AM. Good times those. My immediate first thought was that they were talking about the Minnesota Iceman, one of the legendary, holy grails of Cryptozoology. For those not in the know, the story has some striking similarities with this case. It began in 1968 in Minnesota, when one Frank Hansen displayed what looked for all intents and purposes to be an apeman frozen in a block of ice. Unfortunately, his contradictory claims about whether or not he owned it, that he had both a real one and a replica, and regarding its origin (either it was shot by hunters in the Midwest, smuggled out of Vietnam in a bodybag, or found by sailors in Siberia) did little for his credibility. But two legends of Cryptozoology, Ivan T. Sanderson and Bernard Heuvelmans, bothed examined it and believed it to be an authentic latter-day Neanderthal from Asia.



How sad, then, that this new apeman has none of the panache of his infamous predecessor. Perhaps to make up for this, though, his current proprietors have certainly provided just as many contradictory stories as Hansen did before them. Through friends in the media, I've been able to hear the 'press conference' that these two yahoos chose to give about bigfoot. Of course, they didn't actually show us anything, nor have they allowed any actual scientists to see him, so it was more like a group of people standing around talking about something which may or may not have ever happened. In fact, thats exactly what it was. The fact that the DNA tests came back human, human and POSSUM(!) does little to bolster their case.



Of course, their photos of the alleged sasquatch (or 'wood ape') make it look more like a surprise grab bag of old Halloween costumes mixed with assorted bits of road kill, so I suppose my expectations shouldn't have been too high in the first place. Let me just say, their press conference managed to take it to a whole new level of surreal, almost from the moment that the president of the PR firm introduced them using terms like 'youz guys.' One assumes he must have been a 'businessman' *wink wink* who would break your legs (or perhaps feet in this case) in his previous line of work, if you get my drift. Sometime between that and announcing all of the .coms involved in this, the vast majority of the press (save perhaps the good folks at The Onion) got up and left. They didn't miss much, beyond the two of them talking about going out to the 'backwoods,' nudge nudge, and being surrounded by a group of bigfoots. Or something to that effect.

At this point, a lesser man would make some sort of joke about what they were doing in the backwoods, but thats beneath me.

Loren Coleman was a guest on Coast to Coast that night, but even he couldn't really add much to this. Thats why I propose that the entire thing - the story, the fake body, the press conference, all of it - is part of an elaborate conspiracy to cover up the truth, no doubt instigated by the Illuminati, the One World government, the military-industrial complex and a cabal of international bankers. The entire story is otherwise too ludicrous and surreal to be anything else. No doubt they want to make us internet bloggers look like conspiratorial lunatics rambling on about pseudo-scientific nonsense in order to discredit us.

Perhaps as part of the conspiracy, or perhaps to cash in on the current news, History Channel repeated the newest bigfoot episode of MonsterQuest, focusing in on Native American bigfoot stories. Specifically the Nations around California and the Pacific Northwest, such as the Miwok. I found it to be a very interesting episode, in no small part because so few cryptozoology shows have focused on the oral histories of indigenous peoples.



As you might have guessed, I naturally gravitated to the UFO Symposium 3 put on by the Illinois MUFON, or Mutual UFO Network, in Tinley Park this weekend. Stanton Friedman, who has been a guest on Coast to Coast AM and the Roe Conn Show this past week, was a guest lecturer, along with Donald Schmitt, Ted Phillips and Sam Maranto. Very informative.

I've also been watching the American premiere of Primeval on the Beeb. I'd heard of the show from my friends, who had seen the first two seasons already (bloody Brits). Brilliant! Thats all I can say. The newest episode, Stateside at any rate, featured Arthropleura, which was re-imagined as a sort of gigantic centipede. And an angry giant centipede at that. Almost makes me want to tear down the walls of time and space, so that I could get some sort of gigantic prehistoric horrors to step into the modern era. Just to keep them as pets, you know? Who wouldn't want a Spinosaurus, Zeuglodon, Deinonychus, Andrewsarchus, Dimetrodon or Eurypterid? Better still, I could ride a freakin' Arsionotherium to work! Now THAT would be a fitting image for your God-King, no? Even Alexander didn't do that, though one could argue his beloved mount Bucephalus was a monster in his own right (if the legends of anthrophagus horses are to be believed).

That should be enough to keep you lot entertained until next week, when I give some insight into the latest round of Russian aggression in the Caucasus. Just remember not to tick off any hairy ape men (or women, if you believe the stories about Zhanna) and you should be fine until then.

Gifts Born of the Sea

Well, I'm back. As you probably know, last week was Shark Week on Discovery Channel. It was also the premiere of Jurassic Fight Club and Evolve on History Channel, along with a new episode of MonsterQuest. And, to sweeten the deal, AMC played Jaws and Jaws II. Thats alot of good TV right there. But, as much as I love Shark Week, I do have a life, so I recorded it and have been watching it all on DVD. All in all, pretty good viewing right there.

As if in agreement with the concept of Shark Week, it seems the 'goblin universe' has seen fit to throw us a few bones which, to the eyes of any other observer might be dismissed as nothing more than a mere coincidences.

First, the so-called Montauk Monster, the strange (and as-of-yet unidentified) carcass of which allegedly washed ashore on the beaches of Montauk, New York on 12 July 2008. Shortly after photographs of this bête noir hit major news outlets on the 29th, it went digital and became an online phenomena in it's own right (spawning more than a few memes in and of itself).





As you can see, he (and it's quite obviously a 'he,' judging by that assortment of junk he's got dangling there) is quite a fascinating little bugger. Speculation as to his identity has ranged from the absurd (a sea turtle) to the mundane (a dog). Personally I'd prefer to think that he's a chupacabra, spawned into existence by an angry and cynical universe just to spite me. But... a more sober analysis would be that he's a raccoon, or maybe a dog.

It occurs to me that every time we have a 'mysterious creature,' the witnesses obviously have the time to take one (or more) blurry photos, but never have the foresight to just take the whole damned carcass, the skull, or even just a half-way decent tissue sample, all of which could easily answer the question as to it's identity. Furthermore, as with any good UFO or sea serpent photo, absolutely nothing is included in the picture that we can use as a reference in terms of the creature's size. We hardly know whether the creature should be measured in inches or feet, which only broadens the number of animals it can be.

This is, of course, assuming that the creature is in fact an actual unidentified animal, and not just a piece of photoshopped artwork, perhaps as a promotion for some recent cryptozoology themed TV show like Cryptids are Real or MonsterQuest. Then again, perhaps I should be thankful to even have a hoax like that in my lifetime. Its been quite a while since we've had, say, a Cardiff giant, Feejee mermaid or Ica stone.

Assuming that it is real, and is a previously identified animal, we can safely say the Montauk Monster is a mammal, and that it was a carnivore. That is to say, a member of the Order Carnivora... dogs, cats, weasals, bears, hyenas and the like. My second guess would be an artiodactyl (pig). The creature has prominent canine teeth, but lacks the incisors one would expect from a rodent. Whatever it is, it has been shaved and left to decay, with some bloating and tissue loss as a result. It looks like part of the face has been removed, eaten or fallen off to boot.

The end result? It is (or rather, was) either a raccoon, pig or dog, in descending order of likelihood. But then, thats just my opinion; feel free to take or leave it as you see fit. After all, I'm just some nut on the internet.

The second news item of interest, or perhaps just amusement, is another case of synchronicity with Shark Week - American Idol (or, as we call it in the Arabic World, سوبر ستار) host Ryan Seacrest was attacked by a shark! A sand shark to be exact. Considering how rare shark attacks actually are, it's always ironic to get one during Shark Week, let alone on a celebrity. I wish Mr. Seacrest no particular ill will, for the record. I just think that this is another example of the universe playing tricks and making fools of us all.

Regardless, I still have several more hours worth of shark attacks to watch. And a lucky shark's tooth amulet.